It's 25th October. Meaning 5 more days of being a year older, and a year wiser.

Funny, I still remember the shit that I went through on my birthday last year. How bad I was ditched and left in the corner crying my heart out. Something that I thought I could hold on to but in the end I lost grip and what's once was mine became someone else's.

And to think that it won't happen again, well unsurprisingly it did happen, not once, not twice, not thrice but countless of times. I think I'm getting used to this life - being cheated, feeling cheated, and be the victim of cheat. But to think again, I can't make someone love me if his heart don't. I'm so silly. I even made him a love letter, and actually gave it to him. Why can't I see something so obvious, that he's just not that into me. I guess I'm blinded. I hope he threw away that letter, the letter that I put alot of effort in. Please do. I'm always someone's pit stop, never the ending kinda stop. Always. One thing, I hate that all these happens in the month that should be joyous for me. Coz its gonna be my birthday, my day. I should be shouldn't I? But I'm still crying and still feel sad. Because it happens over and over again. All i ask for is one simple small thing: a person who would appreciate me as much as I appreciate him. I don't want to be a pit stop. Because I have had enough. Enough of all these hurt and lies in my life. I need a break. I deserve a break.

Just 2 days ago I drank with my girl. I had a mini bottle of vodka plus 4 shots of tequila. And yes, I felt shitty. I've never drank that much at one go. Alcohol does help. For a little while. But I still felt shitty. Clubbing felt like ass and I felt bored. Plus I wasn't really feeling well. So it definitely did not make me feel better. I still think of him, but I try not to dwell about it. Because he's gone. And I know he's never coming back. I wish nothing but the best for him. We may be compatible in our signs, but we aren't compatible in reality. To think back, everything was a mistake right? I shouldn't have said 'yes'.

And I've found an old friend about a week ago. Someone that I lost for 6 years, now came back looking for me. I never thought that would happen. But now, my heart is already shattered. There's no turning back. There's nothing that can heal this cut. It's too deep to be treated. Nobody would never understand. It's not just the cheated feelings, its more than that. If it happens countless times, its not just a deep cut. Its way way deeper. A major wound I would say. I guess its too deep, I can never get over it. Sure, I can smile, I can laugh, I can joke about it. But nobody knows how bad it hurts inside. I only have you, my diary. Only you know. The teardrops that falls onto you while I write on your delicate skin. Only you hear my pain. I'm never happy, never. I might appear happy, but I'm extremely sad inside. No words can explain this.

It seems just like yesterday that I felt happy, until one day where my heart started to shatter bit by bit and then a big blow came and shattered all of it to bits. Its okay. It happens to that. I'm immune. I can persevere,  I can work for it and never give up. But this one, I totally surrender. I give up. Because I gave everything away and I have nothing more to give, so here I am giving up. Because I simply have no strength to deal with any of this anymore. I want my old life back where I used to be carefree. Oh God, give me a dash of happiness in life please....I beg you..I'm dying for it.....

:'(

It's 25th October. Meaning 5 more days of being a year older, and a year wiser.

Funny, I still remember the shit that I went through on my birthday last year. How bad I was ditched and left in the corner crying my heart out. Something that I thought I could hold on to but in the end I lost grip and what's once was mine became someone else's.

And to think that it won't happen again, well unsurprisingly it did happen, not once, not twice, not thrice but countless of times. I think I'm getting used to this life - being cheated, feeling cheated, and be the victim of cheat. But to think again, I can't make someone love me if his heart don't. I'm so silly. I even made him a love letter, and actually gave it to him. Why can't I see something so obvious, that he's just not that into me. I guess I'm blinded. I hope he threw away that letter, the letter that I put alot of effort in. Please do. I'm always someone's pit stop, never the ending kinda stop. Always. One thing, I hate that all these happens in the month that should be joyous for me. Coz its gonna be my birthday, my day. I should be shouldn't I? But I'm still crying and still feel sad. Because it happens over and over again. All i ask for is one simple small thing: a person who would appreciate me as much as I appreciate him. I don't want to be a pit stop. Because I have had enough. Enough of all these hurt and lies in my life. I need a break. I deserve a break.

Just 2 days ago I drank with my girl. I had a mini bottle of vodka plus 4 shots of tequila. And yes, I felt shitty. I've never drank that much at one go. Alcohol does help. For a little while. But I still felt shitty. Clubbing felt like ass and I felt bored. Plus I wasn't really feeling well. So it definitely did not make me feel better. I still think of him, but I try not to dwell about it. Because he's gone. And I know he's never coming back. I wish nothing but the best for him. We may be compatible in our signs, but we aren't compatible in reality. To think back, everything was a mistake right? I shouldn't have said 'yes'.

And I've found an old friend about a week ago. Someone that I lost for 6 years, now came back looking for me. I never thought that would happen. But now, my heart is already shattered. There's no turning back. There's nothing that can heal this cut. It's too deep to be treated. Nobody would never understand. It's not just the cheated feelings, its more than that. If it happens countless times, its not just a deep cut. Its way way deeper. A major wound I would say. I guess its too deep, I can never get over it. Sure, I can smile, I can laugh, I can joke about it. But nobody knows how bad it hurts inside. I only have you, my diary. Only you know. The teardrops that falls onto you while I write on your delicate skin. Only you hear my pain. I'm never happy, never. I might appear happy, but I'm extremely sad inside. No words can explain this.

It seems just like yesterday that I felt happy, until one day where my heart started to shatter bit by bit and then a big blow came and shattered all of it to bits. Its okay. It happens to that. I'm immune. I can persevere,  I can work for it and never give up. But this one, I totally surrender. I give up. Because I gave everything away and I have nothing more to give, so here I am giving up. Because I simply have no strength to deal with any of this anymore. I want my old life back where I used to be carefree. Oh God, give me a dash of happiness in life please....I beg you..I'm dying for it.....

:'(